does your kid have CHILD disorder?

After close observation of their own children, with a combined age of 61 years, observations of many other children in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, Israel, Greece, Italy, Swiss, France, Holland, Belgium, England, Scotland, and the Bahamas, and numerous reports throughout recorded history, the authors have determined that a widely-distributed behavioral disorder has somehow been overlooked by psychiatrists. They have labeled this disorder “CHILD”1. Just like “ADD”, “ADHD”, and “Asperger’s Syndrome”, CHILD is not based on any medical evidence or test whatsoever, but it should nonetheless be a useful diagnosis for mental health professionals, school administrators, and parents.

Stage 1:

cries when left alone at night
cries when put into car seat
cries when being diapered or dressed
cries when hurt
naps too long (or) does not nap long enough
potty-training does not go smoothly
poor hand-eye coordination
fussy when teething
clingy during times of family stress
Stage 2:

tantrums when frustrated
incoherent babbling
climbs onto dangerous areas
enters roads without looking
fussy when hungry
insists on favorite cup at meals
refuses all vegetables
clingy following a parent’s return from a trip
clingy following a move
clingy following birth of sibling
clumsiness with frequent dropping and spilling
continues unwanted behavior even when told to stop
punishment doesn’t work
Stage 3:

sudden unexpected movements
irrational fears that don’t respond to logic
funny noises, sudden shrieks, inappropriate giggling
talks to dolls and stuffed animals
may have imaginary playmates
fidgets when bored; unable to sit still
runs and climbs; always on the go
insists on wearing favorite clothing
does not come promptly when called
tells silly jokes
embarrasses parents in public
interrupts when parent is on the telephone
grumpy when tired
angry when losing a game
dawdles when hurried
fights with siblings
insists on own way of doing things
punishment doesn’t work
Stage 4:

prefers playing to doing chores
stammers when nervous
doesn’t listen to reason
selectively forgetful
talks excessively (or) does not talk enough
ignores direct questions
sudden, energetic behavior
self-centered, egocentric behavior
walks away when parent lectures
sullen when mistrusted
forgets to say “please” and “thank you” despite repeated reminders
grumpy when ill
resists structured teaching; prefers own way of learning
punishment doesn’t work

The causes of this disorder are not yet clear, but the authors suspect that the primary cause is premature birth, i.e. birth prior to age 20. This is probably inevitable, as a 20-year gestation would be stressful for the human female.


This disorder is not preventable; it appears to be universal among low-age populations. However, there are several approaches that can minimize behavioral difficulties:

carrying in the first years
breastfeeding with child-led weaning
eye contact
gentle touch and hugs
respectful listening
undivided attention
validation of feelings
avoidance of punishment
natural learning

The prognosis is excellent, as this disorder subsides over time, provided the preventative measures listed above are taken. Drugs are not recommended.

“While intelligent people can often simplify the complex, a fool is more likely to complicate the simple.”
– Dr. Gerald Grumet

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